boobynews

Yes friends and neighbors, I’m sorry to say that the Emir of Kuwait, Sheikh Jaber Binks al-Ahmad Al-Sabah, is dead at the age of 78.

People used to say such bad things about him, especially after he took power in the late 1960′s. Before that, Kuwaiti women wore miniskirts
and “mixed easily” with male students. Good old Sheikh Jaber had none
of that and now women are properly closeted up in giant vertical black
body bags.

One of Sheikh Jaber’s other fine achievements was the banning of
dancing in restaurants. It’s so hard to concentrate on your falafel
when women are doing the twist right next to your table!

And who can forget the call for corporal punishment for those people who drink alcohol? Don’t know what “corporal punishment” means? It means physical torture. Unlike certain American leaders, old Sheikh Jaber called a spade a spade.

And of course the Valiant Kuwaiti police officers who took the Emir at his word and regularly tortured foreigners working in the country. No immigration problems in Kuwait!

When the parliament in Kuwait got too uppity in 1981, brave Sheikh
Jaber stepped in and dissolved it. He then ruled as an absolute monarch
until 1991.

Gosh and the poor old Emir and his entire family had to drag their
corpulent bulks to Saudi Arabia in 1991 when evil Saddam Hussein
invaded the country. Luckily George H.W. Bush and the Valiant Alliance
of Goodness pushed out the Iraqis and restored the royal house of
Al-Sabah!

We’ll miss you uncle Jaber….

I see the pompous ass David “Davidson” Davis, the British
Shadow Home Secretary, has stated that the “whole country” will welcome
the decision to ban the lunatic in the photo (left), Omar Bakri
Mohammed, from returning to Britain.

Bakri is a bigtime radical Islamic preacher nut who once collaborated
with “Flavor Flav” of the American rap group ” Public Enemy ” to write
the song 9/11 Is a Joke. You might remember the immortal words of this rhyming poem, in which Bakri
praised the hijackers as the “Magnificent 19″.

Except of course Triple D (as I like to call the Shadow Home Secretary)
is a fool because he forgot the old maxim, “keep your friends close but
your enemies closer”. Now this nut Bakri is running around the Middle
East, combing out his beard and belting out fiery sermons instead of
being under the microscope in Britain where the police could keep an
eye on him. Sheesh!

And what kind of job title exactly is Shadow Home Secretary? Those
British politicians are always so jealous of nobility and so they
invent fancy titles for themselves like “Chancellor of the Exchequer”
and “Shadow Home Secretary”, sort of like their ” superhero ” names.
We’re used to Batman and Captain America but the poor Brits have to
wait for the Shadow to save them from Widdle Evil Pweachah Muslim Man.

It’s absolutely amazing the amount of hoopla over this event. Folks, we
here love the Olympics as much as anyone else, but let’s be real. The
“modern” Olympic Games, that are just 100 years old, were based on an
absurd idea of having only “amateur” atheletes compete for a piece of
medal on a string . Amateur in those days meant someone who did not have
a job, even one unrelated to the sport they were competing in. So what
you had was a lot of wealthy, mostly white, young men jumping around
and competing for medallions.

Fast forward 100 years and now it’s a megasportfest where people spend
years and years training to win the same dinky piece of metal on a
string, meanwhile multinational corporations spend billions in
advertising. And the cities, the poor host cities, they always spend
billions of dollars building things and then a few years later find
that they’ve got stadiums they barely ever use and mass transit systems
with very few passengers . And all of this fuss and bother over grown
men jumping over sticks or grown women prancing around with ribbons.

Apparently what happened is that a number of real police
created an organization called the Department of Anti-Terrorism
Strategic Studies (DSSA) last year. They then coordinate anti-terrorism
information via its website. So far, so good right? They also were
applying for money from international organizations that donate funds
to fight terrorism. The only problem is that the DSSA was completely outside the complex grid of Italian police departments!

Like most European countries, Italy has an insane number of law
enforcement bodies, including “regular” police, “special” police,
paramilitary police and “national” police – plus different intelligence
agencies’ “police”. Members of all of these “regular” police units also
worked for DSSA, so apparently everybody figured someone else
had authorized DSSA. Nope! And now the regular police are investigating
this DSSA and have arrested two police for being members of the…
illegal DSSA police.

His full name and title is His Royal Highness Prince Bandar bin Sultan
bin Abdulaziz but you can call him “Bandar Bush” for short. His father
is is known as Prince Sultan for short and is more or less the “vice
president” of Saudi Arabia right now, making Bandar one powerful fellow.

He’s been involved in Washington politics since 1978
and has studied extensively in both Britain and the United States. He
flew fighter jets before that, so he’s quite familiar with military
stuff.

Why is he called Bandar Bush? Well because he and his wife Haifa both
feel like they were “adopted” by Barbara and George H.W. Bush, telling
the New Yorker they feel the Bushes are “like a mother and father” to
them. They regularly vacation with the entire Bush clan in their resort
in Kennebunkport, Maine.

Despite the fact that he comes from one of the strictest religious
countries in the world, Bandar Bush has been known to both smoke
tobacco AND drink alcohol. He’s also apparently a big fan of American
football.

Bandar has admitted publically that he met osama bin Laden at least
once and he’s a big fan of Osama’s extended family. Not that he’s a fan
of Osama himself of course! Bandar has a super close relationship to
the Bush in office now and was briefed by him on all kinds of things,
including 9/11 and the invasion of Iraq, very quickly. Bandar also made
sure his extended family were flown out of the USA right after 9/11 so
they wouldn’t have to be “embarassed” by being questioned by the FBI.

So long Bandar… however will we replace you? And you’re just 52 years
old, what’s all these rumors about your health problems? Actually the
smart money says the wrinkled old King Fahd of Saudi Arabia is fixing
to die after being super ill for a long time. When that happens,
Bandar’s dad will step up into the #2 slot and for sure Bandar will get
a great job doing something inside Saudi Arabia. George and Barbara
Bush fly to Saudi Arabia all the time, so he’ll still get to see his
“mom and dad” a lot. But I guess he’ll have to watch those football games on TV from now on… poor guy.

Apparently a quarter of a million folks (half of a half of a million!)
were there to do the same – sit there and look at ships sail past. It’s
all done so they can feel good about beating the French and Spanish
over two hundred years ago. Yawn…

The British press is all agog (slack jawed) with trembling awe, saying
she “saluted” each of the 167 ships as they passed by. Looks to me like
all she had to do is touch her hat, which isn’t surprising since she
was probably sweating like a pig. The picture shows her all bundled up
is some baby blue outfit. The Queen is so old she’s like a houseplant -
you have to put her in the sun sometimes so she doesn’t shrivel up too
bad.

Maybe King Bush should do the same thing, stand for hours in the sun to
watch ships go by to celebrate some ancient battle, maybe from the War
of 1812. Wait, that’s too recent! Maybe the French victory in Yorktown
during the American Revolution. Shoot! Can’t do that, we can’t have
people knowing the French helped America become independent!

Either way, all you kings and queens of the world, see what you’ve come
to? Wearing baby blue and saluting ships all day long. No more wars and
pillaging for you!

Being the president of Zimbabwe for over 25 years now, I
guess sometimes he likes to shake things up. So starting this year he
sent in his boys with a bunch of bulldozers to participate in a
free-for-all demolition derby . Instead of smashing cars, which are hard
to come by on account of people there is so poor, instead his buddies
decided to smash up a bunch of poor people’s houses. You ain’t seen a
shack until you seen a Zimbabwe tin shack, let me tell you.

All that crunching metal and screaming and wailing got to be kinda fun
so the bulldozin’ party didn’t end until about 250,000 people was left
homeless. That’s half of a half of a million people, folks! And the
best part is Mugabe (rhymes with Do-your-jobby) says it was to clean up
crime ! So instead of just admitting it was pure fun for an old geezer
who is tired of the same ol’ same ol’, he also put a political spin on
it. In fact, the name of the derby is officially “Operation Restore
Order”.

This guy took the derby quite seriously, paying his boys $3 billion
American dollars’ worth of corncakes to do it! Wow.. now that’s
something you will never
see at any race track in America. Of course a couple kids got mashed up
during the derby, but everybody apologized for it later so it’s all
right.

America and Britain and some other whitey European nations have been
screaming and hollering about the big derby, saying it wasn’t fair and
stuff. But all of Mugabe’s African brother presidents seemed to like it
just fine as they’ve come out defending his actions. South Africa’s
president even said he was “irritated” by them British folks butting
their heads into what ain’t their business anymore.

So far I haven’t seen any t-shirts or other memorabilia for sale from
Operation Murambatsvina (as they say in that language they speak down
there) but keep your eyes peeled for stuff to show up on Ebay. And
maybe when we get ESPN5, the African Sports Network, you can watch a
little footage of it from the comfort of your own home…

So look out world, here comes Mr. Business! No word yet on how he feels about
them there supposed nukular
weapons, but I rather get the feeling this guy ain’t gonna take no
smack. Even though everyone’s jabbering about this guy, the mullahs
(that’s a fancy word means Shi’ite preacher) have this guy on a short
string and he’ll do exZactly what they tell him to do.